This type of romantic perspective can be a complete waste of time and space. It’s exhausting and unpredictable.
I been single officially since summer 2018 and dating has been nothing smooth or inviting. In fact it’s been down right frightful and debilitating.
We gamble with our physical, mental and emotional health. We don’t heed the earliest warning signs. Like when a motherfucker show you who they are believe them, in real time. Ain’t no point in trying to change their minds about same sex relationships, or a woman’s right to choose, or that they shouldn’t beg when you clearly said no, or the health benefits of veganism, or the devastating effects addiction had on your own family or how sexy gray beards are verses dyed or the fact you had a right to know they had a wife before exchanging numbers.
Given each person I allowed into my sphere of awareness over the past 9 months both figuratively and literally has been disastrous. And they all had the nerve to thank me for bringing them peace when all they brought was BV and yeast infections. Thanked me for being a breath of fresh air when all they could offer was smokey bars, fish sandwiches, cheap strong drinks and short, stubby, wide wrestlers neck penises 🙄.
Honestly, each one I chose to entertain was to fill a void, to occupy space that was longing for anyone thing to fill it. For something to do, literally lol! I know it sounds fucked up and dysfunctional, but I can be that sometimes. Gotta recognize the signs of our own needs. How healing ourselves is an inside job. How we are the person we’ve been waiting for. How intimacy plays tricks because the fact is we live in the closeness of our own skin. How these romantic perspectives cling to us for our resources, but can’t expend a kind word or gesture without wanting something in return.
I’ve learned that dating for reasons that don’t align with what I know I deserve is a trap. Like the times I dated when I was emotionally unavailable, it lowered my standards. I stopped filtering my heart. I did nonsensical things in the throes of trash ass. I stopped heeding the warning signs of toxic behavior and character flaws. I became harder and angrier. I stopped being empowered. I settled for shit I’d never tolerate in any lifetime. I felt annoyed and over crowded. I felt taken for granted, depleted, unloved, unappreciated, depressed, exposed.
And in the end I thank the creative and my ancestors for my thriving health and peace of mind. I made terrible choices because I missed sex and close talk. I thought I needed another body to make me feel alive and whole, yet I was born a whole person. I remember neglecting my needs before and how I vowed not to anymore. Trust yourself. There is intimacy without sex.